Answered Prayers and Harper's Gift

Two days ago, I wrote my daughter's obituary. The day before, Jerry and I planned her funeral. These were never things I wanted to do. I believed with every fiber of my being that I wouldn't have to, but somehow God prepared me to do them. In fact, I knew before I went in for my c-section that this was going to happen. I knew what this blog would be about, and I knew that even though it would hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before, we would be ok.

On Monday, August 19th, I delivered my two precious babies at 29 weeks. Jaxson "Jax" Childrey Roberts weighed 2 lb 15 oz and is 15 inches long. His big sister Harper Solley Roberts weighed 2 lbs 2 oz. They were the most fantastic thing I had ever seen. I love this picture of them for several reasons. One of my silly worries in all of this was that I get at least one picture of them together. God gave me just that. Jax has had some lung issues since Tuesday, but on his birthday he needed no interventions. So I got to hold them together, talk to them together and get my picture I wanted.  God is faithful in even the smallest things, isn't he. I also love it because it just looks like Jax is thanking Jesus for his big sister...something we still do every day. It's just the perfect picture.

So after 9 weeks of prayer and fasting, my daughter met Jesus. She didn't come home or go to the NICU with her brother. She went to heaven.

So did God answer my prayers?

Absolutely. We got exactly what we prayed for.

Every single day, many times a day, we prayed for these babies.... along with all of you...these precious people whom we don't even know, but love our babies enough to pray for them. My prayer times were just me talking to God, with their prayer taggie on my belly and clutching their IVF dish in my hands. I started off by telling God how much I knew he loved my babies, how he was the only person who loved them more than I did. How I thought as their mom that I knew what they needed best, but I knew that he knew more than I did about what they needed. I reminded him of how he had held my babies long before they were in my tummy, when they were in that dish. And i reminded him of how he kept them when we thought we had lost them at 5 weeks. I told him all of this, and I believed it... every single word. I also prayed for Harper's healing and Jax's protection and continued growth--and how if he knew every little thing about them, he could do what was best for them.  I prayed for these little missionaries, that through their story, others would see how awesome God is. How powerful his ways are and how merciful and loving he is. I ended my prayer with asking God to give us two healthy babies. I asked him this a thousand times a day.

And He did.

You see, my sweet Harper didn't take many breaths on this Earth, but God knows her and knew she needed more than this Earth could offer. Her heavenly life was going to be more fulfilling than a life of doctors visits and medical interventions. He knew that although her "life" would be physically on Earth, that life didn't compare to what he wanted to give her. He also knew that as much as Jerry and I wanted to watch this sweet baby to grow in our arms and live and play with her brother, he knew that we needed to live through this and with the blessed assurance that she is so much better than her life would have been here. So he did what he does best... took care of his child, my baby, in the way that was best for her. He continues to take care of us in the process.

Two healthy babies. That's what he gave me. I realized it a few nights ago when I watched Jax in his bassinet.  I was thinking about how fortunate we are that his problems are so few. The perspective you get in this place is so valuable. I thanked Jesus for my precious, healthy boy.... the one the doctors call a "big boy," and for keeping him so safe. Then I thanked God for my sweet girl, who was now so so healthy and happy. Two healthy babies. That's what I have.

I've said for 9 weeks that these babies are missionaries already, that their story was going to touch hearts and lives for Christ even before they were born. I had no idea how big God would answer this part of my prayers. In 9 short weeks, my babies and their story reached literally thousands of people. They quickly had an army of people praying for them around the clock. Almost daily, I received messages from people who were able to share Christ through their story. We received messages from church after church that let us know they were praying. Friends would tell me of how people I didn't know would ask about them and pray for them. These two teeny babies affected our church in fantastic ways. Their journey changed others, but it changed us as well, in ways that I still don't fully comprehend. It changed our prayer lives, our hearts and challenged our faith daily.  I hope I'm with these babies in heaven when they meet all of the lives they've touched.  So much better than any softball win or dance recital I would've witnessed on Earth.

These little teeny babies, are so much to us. And before they were born, they became so much to so many.


Harper looked just like me. I mean exactly like my baby pictures. In some way, I know she would've been a lot like me. She was already a teacher. She taught us how to pray, about God's faithfulness, and how he loves us so unconditionally, but she also taught us how to give. She was the recipient of so many prayers, but in the end it was what she gave us that mattered most. From our first specialist appointment, the doctor told us that she was going to be Jax's angel baby. Her job was to keep her heart beating so that Jax could stay inside and grow as much as possible. In the end, that's exactly what she did. She wasn't stillborn like we had been told she would be, but she kept her heart beating through a fairly traumatic birth experience just so we could have her brother here safe and sound. Her greatest gift to us was her little brother--and what a fantastic gift he is. A "big" relatively healthy preemie boy who has blonde hair looks just like his father. She gave us his life. Thank you, sweet girl. I want to be a giver like Harper when I grow up.

So today, I celebrate one week of my precious son's life.... and one week of my sweet daughter's first day in heaven. I'll be honest, I'm sad...but it's selfish. My baby has already grown for one week, which seems too fast, and my little girl has been gone for a week. I miss her terribly, more so than I should anyone I've only seen for 6 hours. But I know she is my answer to prayer. She definitely has the better deal going on up there.

Considering the Lilles and God's Provision

“Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? Luke 12:27-28

There isn't really anything new to report on our babies this week. Our appointments with the specialist only occur every four weeks, and we see my OBGYN every two weeks. I'm finally in my third trimester, and my body definitely knows it. The babies, both of them, are very active...kicking and moving a lot. They already have different little personalities. Jax kicks me a lot, but he nuzzles my ribcage all the time. It makes my belly go numb and tingly and it's the strangest sensation ever.  When he gets very active, I can see him rolling around in my belly. Harper kicks a lot, but it's more like a drumroll. It's like she's using me as a punching bag, and she kicks more when I eat... especially chocolate. Every night, Jerry puts his hands on my belly and prays for the babies. Every single night, she kicks away when he does this. I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world. I cherish every kick, every movement, and every flutter. It's my reassurance that my babies are very much alive and with us. 

Emotionally, some days are definitely better than others. There are days when I'm fine...confident and strong. Then there are days when all I want to do is sit and feel my babies kick. It's on those days that I desperately need the reassurance of their being with me... and so I sit, cry, pray, sing, and talk to them as they kick and move inside of me. Household things may not get finished on those days, but I'm taking advantage of this time. Every kick, every movement is God's gift to me. Only I get to experience it. It's my little moment when I'm reminded that God is indeed working in these little lives. A friend posted on her FB status today that she was praying for our little "pearls." I thought that was so appropriate. God's still working on these little guys to make them as beautiful and perfect as they are intended to be in the end. 

We are feverishly preparing for these new little people in our lives. We've had one very blessed shower, and our next is next week. Our due date is getting closer, and we actually don't know how early they will be here. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. We are so ready to meet our babies and love them. We are still believing that we will bring both babies home. But every now and again, the fear in my heart creeps in again. I know that our delivery date will be the day that we know God has either chosen to heal Harper here, or in another way.  To be honest, it scares me to death. I know I write about it a lot, but that's where I am... always fighting this fear that creeps in. I hate it, but I'm learning that it's very natural, and that God understands it fully. 

So how is it that with this fear trying to suffocate me that I can still have faith? How do I write or speak about the fear, and still say how much I know that God will provide for us? When there are so many unknowns in our lives, how can I be so sure of this thing?

It's simple...his provision and healing are very real, and I've experienced it.

Jerry and I had just started dating when I had to tell him my worst fear. I had been battling pain, swelling and other symptoms for quite a while and I had a pending appointment with a specialist to investigate. About the time we began dating, I developed a rash that covered a lot of my body. As much as I had tried to be a good patient, staying away from google and webmd, my curiosity had gotten the best of me. Every thing I researched led to a diagnosis of Lupus.  

The more I researched, the more it terrified me. I saw words like autoimmune, chemotherapy, organ failure and hair loss. I had finally started dating this man that I knew I would marry (yes, even then I knew) but how could I ask him to love me when I might have such serious issues? So on our third date I told him about it, explaining the large rash that had appeared on my arm. I cried in the middle of the restaurant, when he took my hands and prayed for me right there at the table. If I had only realized then what a prayer warrior he was and what a blessing his prayers would be to me. My doctor's appointment was the next week, and the doctor's words to me were "I'm certain this is Lupus, but we need to do tests to confirm it." We prayed, I spent a number of sleepless nights in worry until I got a call from my doctor on a Sunday afternoon to give me the results. He explained that he was "surprised" to know that I did not have Lupus, only a vitamin d deficiency. A dermatologist later diagnosed my rashes as severe psoriasis. Such a relief from my worst fears.  I worked for my primary care physician, and saw the letter from the specialist that was sent as a follow up. His words read "The patient had every indicator for Lupus, but now shows no evidence for the disease." This may have been a surprise to my doctor and to me, but it wasn't for God. This was his plan for me. 

Fast forward another year, and my health is much better, but the psoriasis rash had left horrible scars on my skin, especially my legs. It was superficial, but very embarrassing for me. I didn't feel confident wearing anything that showed my legs. We had a guest speaker at church whose wife had been supernaturally healed following a car accident. That morning, she stated that she was going to have special prayer for those who needed healing, specifically for those with skin conditions. When she said that, I didn't think it was intended for me. Surely God was planning to heal someone worse off than I was. My condition was under control, and there were many people who had worse issues than I... but when the time came for prayer, I felt more compelled than ever to step forward, so I did. I stood there, enjoying the move of God's presence while literally every single other person was prayed for. I had begun to think that I wasn't correct in my feeling, why would I have stepped forward for prayer for my scars and occasional flare ups? But the presence of God was so strong in that moment that I couldn't count my time there as a loss. Just when I was about to go sit down, the speaker's wife found me. She took my hands and said "You have a skin condition, don't you." With tears in my eyes, I nodded. She continued to speak, saying "God wants you to know that what is important to you is important to him. Nothing is too big or too small for him. He sees your condition and knows the desires of your heart, and he wants to heal you." Emotions flowed as she prayed a powerful prayer of healing and restored confidence over me.  Now, 3 years later, I haven't had a single flare up of my psoriasis, and the scars that once embarrassed me are completely gone. 

Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking that God is so great, so powerful, that he must use that power to take care of huge issues... issues much bigger than those I have. But I'm reminded by my own experience that God's power is big enough to heal me from a disease that terrifies me, and his heart is big enough to give me reminders of his provision for all of my needs: no matter how small or superficial. The God who created the world in all of its splendor took the time to give us beauty in it like that which we see in the lilies.  It amazes me that the same God who healed me of lupus, and was my provider through a terrible divorce when I had 40.00 to my name, is the same one who took the time to heal my scars and let me know that my needs were important to him.  The God who sent his son and raised him from the dead shouldn't have to prove himself to me time and time again, but he does and I'm forever thankful. 

So in the face of the most terrible trial I've ever known, I can have faith...that even on those days when I'm so burdened that I can't speak the words of a prayer he knows the need and the desires of my heart. He knows me...my needs... and they are important to him. He knows my babies--better than I do--and knows what Harper needs to be healthy, and what Jax needs to continue in his health. He knows our needs and is able to supply the healing that Harper needs. But at the same time, he's considerate enough to give me the reassurance of kicks when I so desperately need them. He is powerful enough to give Harper the fluid she needs to survive, but also gentle enough to give Jerry and I peace to sleep at night. He is big enough to allow us the privilege of bringing home two healthy babies, and kind enough to provide encouragement through the prayers and scriptures of friends. 

James 1:17 is our verse as a couple. It's engraved on my wedding ring, and has even more significance in our lives now than it did years ago:

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.

I look at God's faithfulness in my life, the way that he has orchestrated every single detail to the perfection of his plan, and I know that my faith isn't without grounds. It is because of his continued provision, protection and consideration for us that I can confidently believe he will continue the work he's already begun in Harper's life, and allow us to bring home 2 healthy babies.  He has provided for us time and time again... and he is unchanging. This is how I believe. 

Thank you, God for your unchanging love and provision in our lives. Thank you for the reminder that what is important to me is important to you. Thank you for the ability to have faith in spite of the worst circumstances. Thank you for my babies, for their health, and for the magnificent future you have in store for these little world changers.