He loves us...

“Listen carefully to my words.  Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart; for they bring life to those who find them and health to their whole body."  Proverbs 4:20-22

Meet our babies: 

This is Jax. Ever since we could see his profile, I knew he had his daddy's nose. Goodness, he looks just like Jerry. He has the same chin, and even has his wrinkled up brow. (Jerry's thinking face) Even though he's the younger twin, I'll always think of him as big brother. He just seems to protect that other baby....maybe a little too much because it's always squished a bit. We love him so much already. 

This is Miss Harper. She has chubby cheeks and a cute button nose. Even in my tummy, she's quite the world changer. She's showing off her arms in both pictures... arms they once told us weren't there. We love this little girl so much...and that sweet little smile already melts my heart.  Can't wait to meet her and her brother. 

I had been hesitant about doing the 4D ultrasound before. Deep down, I was afraid that seeing baby A would make it worse. I didn't know what to expect to see. The picture they've painted for us has always been so grim.  So when she gave us this gift, I was totally caught off guard.  These are the most beautiful, precious faces I've ever seen. My how we're blessed by these babies already. 

The good news from our visit is this: Jax is healthy and strong. Harper's fluid levels were up again from 2 to 2.4... more improvement! They both have strong heartbeats, and Harper moved around more than we have ever seen her move on an ultrasound.  We know for sure that she has both arms and one fully formed leg. We've never been able to confirm exactly what limbs they could see. Last time, they just said they could see limbs. 

The doctor came in and delivered the not so good news. He said that the bottom line is that we have a growing baby in very little fluid. She will have difficulty avoiding the umbilical cord and will pass away. He expects this to happen in the next few weeks. He indicated that at our next visit, we'll have to start making decisions. Do we "try" to deliver two living babies, or do we let the pregnancy progress and let Jax's healthy delivery be our goal. 

This has knocked the wind out of me. How do I choose that? How on Earth do I even begin to weigh those options? I can try to have two living babies, and have two that are hooked up to machines and tubes...one which might die. OR I can choose to sit back and do nothing for Harper, and just know that Jax will be healthy. These are choices that I can't imagine making... and no matter how much I think about it, I can't come up with a logical, sound choice. Either way, I feel like I'm sacrificing the life and health of one baby. It's absolutely impossible. 

So yesterday was rough. I cried a lot of the way home. I've cried a lot today. I can't stop looking at their faces.... and I can't imagine a life where they both don't grow up. We still firmly believe that God is still working on our Harper, but today is just one of those days where we struggle. I have faith in God's abilities to work miracles in our lives, but I'm a grieving mother today. I know that he understands this.  I feel utterly helpless. I can't pray enough or cry enough to feel like I'm making Harper change the way she needs to. Today, I have nothing profound to say about the situation. I'm just a sad mom. 

So I've spent a lot of time to day sitting, waiting and feeling them kick. It's my extra reassurance that they're both in there letting me know they're alive and well. 

I know today more than ever the depth of God's love for us. He loves us so much that he sent his son to die for us. I can't imagine that. I'm begging him to let my daughter live... to let me see her grow, to let me hear her laugh, and see her smile.... yet he did this willingly. I can't imagine that. He loves me so much that he let his son die. He loves my babies so much that he let his be beaten and bruised for their healing. He loves us all so much that he stood by and didn't intervene when his son felt helpless and hurt on the cross. He did that all for us. 

Because of that love, I know that God hasn't deserted us in our circumstances. I know that he still has his hand on my babies, and on  Jerry and I as we hurt. I know that he continues to give Harper fluid to swim in and is no less capable of continuing to give us miracles until their birthday. In my grief, I'm focusing on the continued miracle of fluid production, the fact that she was more active yesterday than ever before, and on the sweet faces that we got to see yesterday. I focus on Jax's health... this strong, healthy big brother whom we can't wait to meet. 

 Thank you God, for your unconditional love for us...for loving me when I was undeserving, for loving me when I'm excited and full of strength and faith, and for loving me on days like today when I'm just a sad mama. 

He's been there.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed. Says The Lord who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

I haven't updated in a few days. When big sister is home for the week, all attention (rightfully so) goes  to her. We pack as much activity into her summers as possible. She's at such a fun age...the time when she's someone I truly enjoy enjoy spending time with. Hard to believe she's only been in my life for 3 years. Such a blessing to me! These babies are going to love her so much! 

We got good news on Monday. It was my birthday, and if you know me, you know that's just about the best day of the year. Yet during my prayer time, I just felt uneasy...I couldn't remember when I had felt the babies kick last & I was scared. You see, no matter how much I believe that God will heal my babies, fear creeps in... It's something that I've written about before, and will continue to write about for the duration of their lives. There will always be fear of hurt, disappointments, etc. and as a Mom I will always worry about them. It's just part of the deal. Anyway, I told God how afraid I was, how I believed in his power to heal our babies, but that on that particular day, I desperately needed peace. 

Our doctor is fantastic, and has always told me to call if I felt uneasy or even if I just needed to hear their heartbeats. I've never taken advantage of this offer, but Monday I couldn't get away from the idea that I should call. So I did, and his nurse said to come in for a scan.

We saw two precious babies with two strong heartbeats. Thank you Jesus. They had just moved around & I couldn't feel them as much. Then in our conversation with the tech she said casually that both babies had good fluid. WHAT??  We clarified more than once because of what we had been told about Baby A. She confirmed, and explained that the "normal" levels for twins was 2-8. Baby A was at a 2, and much lower than its brother, but still "normal."

We asked the doctor to confirm again, and he did, I clarified that our understanding had always been that there wasn't even a pocket of fluid to measure...and he said "that's always been the case." He cautioned that he felt it was probably a coincidence, but we believe differently. For 5 1/2 weeks, we have prayed for God to surround this baby with fluid. We were told by the specialist to pray this way...and God has answered. We are beyond thankful for this!! 

Not only had God given our baby fluid and answered our prayers, but he had taken the time to give me the extra measure of peace I so desperately needed. He allowed us to hear more than once the word "normal" when all we've heard about this baby is how abnormal it is. What a blessing. 

My pastor preached about the Christmas story this morning. Yes, it's July, but this was about God's provision in unexpected and unwanted circumstances. It was a powerful message and very timely for our lives.  I've always been fascinated by the Christmas story, and the human aspect of it...how these ordinary people, just like us were given such an incredible responsibility. I often think about how they must have felt, what natural fear & trepidation they probably had. How scary it must have been. 

But God sent word to them constantly... Fear not, do not be afraid... He knew how crazy this would be for them, and how overwhelming it would seem. He knew that naturally they would be afraid...and he was giving them the best gift in the world: the messiah. 

I'm so hard on myself these days. I've said it before, but I struggle with the balance between my faith and the what ifs that creep in. Every time I fear, I feel that I've failed God...that I should be somehow above the fear & my heart should be guarded from this by my faith. 

But if God knew that Joseph and Mary would be fearful about delivering the savior of the world, how much more does he know how fearlful I can be at times? He himself was fearful before his crucifixion...he doesn't just know I'll be afraid. He understands. He's experienced it. He's longed for peace just like I have. 

He knew what I needed to see that day. He knew I needed to hear the word "normal" in some way associated with this baby. 

Our next appointment at UAMS is tomorrow morning. We are expecting to see two babies with two strong heartbeats....both with good fluid. But I'll admit, these times give me a little fear too....but my assurance is that he's been there. He knows, he understands. 

Please pray for continued peace for Jerry and I tomorrow, and for continued good health for these precious babies. God is working in all of our lives. 

Waiting is the hardest part...

But those who wait on the Lord 

Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Anyone who has ever been through fertility treatments understands the term 2 week wait. It might be the most painful part of the process. For me, it was worse than the shots, hormones, and even the surgery I went through to get pregnant. It's agonizing.... and for us, it was always a wait to disappointment.

After our IVF process, we had convinced ourselves that it was unsuccessful. Those days waiting for our pregnancy test were brutal. I remember sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot before my blood test, bawling because I didn't want to go in there. Somehow, I thought if I didn't go in I wouldn't have to face the reality of bad news again. I wanted so desperately to be pregnant, but I couldn't let myself think even for a second that I was. Late that night, I got the email from our fertility specialist that I was pregnant, but my levels were very very low... and that the next few days would be critical. More waiting.

To our surprise, my next test showed that my levels had increased 225% and I was absolutely pregnant. I couldn't believe it. The specialist said, "Well that was worth the wait, right?!" Absolutely. Our dreams were finally becoming a reality. 

I've been doing a lot of online shopping lately. (this happens when you're six months pregnant and it's 100 degrees outside) I get so excited about everything I've ordered for the babies, but I can't stand the wait for my prizes to get here. I'm currently waiting on a huge stuffed giraffe for the nursery. It should be here tomorrow, and it'll be all I can do not to haul the thing upstairs by myself to see how it fits. I keep tracking the package to make sure that amazon hasn't shipped it earlier than I thought.  I'm not the most patient person in the world. In fact, I'm probably the least patient person around. I'm always on the go... I'm an instant gratification kinda girl. Waiting is not my forte'. 

We truly believe that God isn't finished with this baby yet. Every fiber in our beings believes it, every breath we breath and prayer we pray speaks this truth. We pray specifically that God will protect Jax and grant him continuous health, and that God will make our sweet baby A whole and strong. The waiting is the hard part.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could "track" our prayers...know when they will be answered? What if we could ask God for things, and know by the time we said "amen" that our prayer would be answered at 3:00 pm on Thursday? How much easier would life be.... how much worry and stress would there be? How spoiled and even more demanding we would become if that were the case.  

I've always heard that during the wait, that's when we grow. I know this to be true now more than ever. It isn't easy... not even a little bit...but Jerry and I are growing through this wait.  We know that God will answer our prayers, we just don't know when or how it's going to happen. Nothing we do... can control how or when we see the end of this wait. If we could, we would've tried it by now. 

Is the waiting easy? No. Not at all. Do we have all of the answers? Not even a few answers. But we know we have to wait. 

This wait was especially difficult yesterday. We go for regular checkups with my OBGYN in between visits in Little Rock with the specialist. Yesterday was one of those checkups where we'll hear the heartbeats and just check in with our fantastic doctor. (More on that blessing later. Cannot say enough about him) The first thing he said was "How's your head? How's your heart?" He has such a great way of putting us at ease. Then he went over the official report from our visit in Little Rock, just to make sure we were all on the same page. 

The report said that although our baby had limbs, the legs didn't appear to be fully formed, and although the doctor in Little Rock had told us that he wasn't so sure about all of the missing organs we had heard at a previous appointment, there were definitely no kidneys. Not even a blip of a kidney. The levels (as we knew already) of fluid were critically low. The doctor re-stated to us that it would absolutely take a miracle for our baby to live. In his words, it would take a miracle for the vascular systems and kidneys to be in place when the child is born. As always, he presented the medicine to us, and then encouraged us to pray for our miracle. Major blow to our hearts. 

Then he went to listen for the heartbeats, and could only hear one for sure. So we went down the hall for an ultrasound to see for sure. I stopped in the restroom, and spent a few minutes telling myself in the mirror those four words I'm so familiar with: Do not be afraid.  From the beginning, they've tried to prepare us for the time when this might happen... when we would only have one heartbeat.. butI couldn't let myself prepare for the worst... I just couldn't. 

Thankfully, we saw both babies with beating hearts on the ultrasound. Such a relief. Jax looked healthy and our Baby A looked about the same, but we saw them. We saw their hearts beating, and that was enough for this mama. 

The point is, even "routine" visits, are never easy now. It's just another slap back into "reality" when we're told what medical expectations to have. No amount of faith can make it easier to hear that your baby will likely die. No amount of strength seems to be able to protect my mind from these dark moments of what if. It's on these visit days that I find myself struggling to find the balance between preparing for the what if's and begging God for the best. I spent the afternoon talking to God, asking him to make my faith stronger....to forgive my doubts, and asking him to provide all of the things our babies need to survive. I cried, I prayed, I sat and listened... 

A friend posted this sermon on Facebook. It's a long video, but exactly what my heart needed yesterday. Such an awesome reminder of how big God is, and how small we are. In it, he mentions the verse above, and talks about the renewal of our strength. That's what I need on days like yesterday... renewal of my strength. It's a continuous process, this renewal. There will be many times when I don't think I can make it, but he will renew me... he will strengthen me. He will sustain me. 

This is the first time we saw our babies.... on a picture taken through a high powered microscope. The container in the picture is one of my most prized possessions. It's the dish that they were created in. It fits in the palm of my hand.... and the center of it is about the size of a nickel. Every time I see an ultrasound or hear heartbeats, I'm in awe that the blastocysts in this picture became the precious babies on the screen. God knew them when they were so tiny that they had to be seen on a microscope.... he knew them when our levels were so low that we had to be cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy test... he saw them when we almost lost them at 5 weeks.... and he sees them now. In spite of what medicine says, he knows exactly what these babies need now. He knows what sweet Jax needs to continue to grow and be strong. He sees the gaps in Baby A's body and knows how to fill them to perfection. 

In my prayer time, I've started holding that dish in my hand as a reminder to me of how great God is. How he loves us before we're even a number on a pregnancy test. How he's still watching over our babies and and renewing our strength continuously throughout this journey. How even while we wait, he is still working on our behalf. 

It will not be easy, but we will continue to wait, and anticipate great things for these sweet little miracles. 

Faith, fear, and preparation

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1

I am a planner. Anyone who knows me understands this, and my very laid-back husband has grown to tolerate this. I'm constantly making preparations for the next event or occurrence in our lives.  When you have things that happen suddenly in your life that you have no control over (in my case, a very sudden divorce years ago) you learn to keep your life in control...to make sure that you're not caught off guard again in the future. So that's what I do. I plan everything: big and small. I'm the mom with everything in her bag, just in case. (even though my current child is my 11 year old stepdaughter) I'm never without wet wipes, germ-x, etc. I want to know what's around the corner. For every big dream I have, there's a logical part of me that rationalizes the situation and brings it back to reality. I often lay awake at night sending myself emails about this or that, and I drive Jerry nuts with my constant discussions about  planning for the next few years. Thankfully, he loves me. 

To make matters "worse," I'm a kindergarten teacher... and as all my fellow teachers (or spouses of teachers) know, this control thing comes with the territory. It's part of the job description. 

So naturally, when I found out I was pregnant this planner went into overdrive. The thing I've waited for and prayed for had finally come to fruition and I couldn't wait. I started dreaming of nurseries, color schemes, and baby names. I had our gender reveal all planned out. I even had their first birthday party theme going already... before my second trimester. I know I'm a little neurotic. Maybe a little more than that. 

The point is, I don't care for detest the unknown. I don't know many people who do, but I really, really don't like it. I love to surprise people, but I don't like to be surprised. I can't just relax and let other people do it. In case you're wondering, it's probably really entertaining to watch me be "hands off" while my students do crafts and activities. Deep breaths.....

My family is in the middle of the unknown now. In all of the heartbreak and agony of the first few days after our baby's diagnosis, I went through violent shifts of sobbing and heartache and times when I would just need to figure out what to do... practical things. It was my natural instinct.. how I knew to cope. 

So I began to think about everything....how would I register? Should I reschedule showers until after my birth so that I wouldn't make people uncomfortable? How do I decorate the nursery in this situation? What will we do in the hospital? How do we prepare Halle for this? How do I celebrate one baby's birthday and grieve for another? How do we raise a healthy newborn and spend time in the NICU with another? How do we ever, ever move on from this? 

 

(And to think, my biggest worry was at one time not finding out the gender of both babies. So thankful for perspective...)

The fear in my heart was so incredibly overwhelming, and I was trying to fix it the only way I could.. by planning. 

We made the choice that in spite of our instinct to hide and cry together, we would go to church that Sunday. The service was exactly what we needed. Every song, every word seemed to speak reassurance to our hearts, and having our church family believe with us in prayer was the thing our hearts craved most. We just hadn't realized it yet. The thing I remember most from the service were these four words.

Do not be afraid.

Much more easily said than done, right? We had been told that our child would die. How is it possible to not be afraid, to live in peace and reassurance? Yes, the service was so incredible and reassuring, but things would be different outside of the comfort of those doors... 

Do not be afraid.

Slowly, progressively, these words became reality to me. I had experienced God's provision and healing in my own life, and I had seen it in the lives of others, but I was still afraid. I believed for my child's healing, but I was afraid of the unknown. My faith wasn't binding me, but my fear was.  In the following days I applied those words to my life as much as possible. In my darkest moments, I repeated them to myself: Do not be afraid  as a reminder that God not only was able to conquer this impossible diagnosis, but he was able to conquer the darkness of the fear in my heart. These words guided me through our specialist appointment, and still carry me through the moments when my fear gets the best of me. 

So now, I am practicing my faith-based planning. Sounds like a christian investment plan, right? Instead of worrying and planning for what could happen, we're planning for what we believe will happen. We are fully trusting in God to allow us to bring two healthy babies home, and we're acting on this faith. There are two car seats on order with the local baby store. There are two bassinets in our bedroom, and a nursery-in-progress with two matching cribs on one wall. Their closet is full of sets of clothes, not singles. I buy everything in threes: two boys and a girl to cover all of my bases. I've informed my mother and best friend that If our sweet baby A is a girl, they are to buy hair bows immediately. (it would be tragic for a daughter of mine not to have a bow, right?)  When I'm asked by strangers what I am having, I proudly say a boy and very shy surprise baby.... one that just isn't ready to reveal him/her self yet. 

Some may see this as futile, ridiculous, and impractical. Is there still a chance that God won't heal my baby here on Earth? Yes. If that happens, am I only making things difficult on myself later on? Maybe. Is it financially impractical to buy for three babies when we only have the possibility of two? Absolutely.  

But we're living on faith...every single ounce of faith we have to prepare for these babies. We are living the very definition of faith.... "the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen.... assurance about things we cannot see." What good is saying we have faith, if we don't prepare for the miracle we're praying for? In my opinion, none.

So this is what faith looks like to us....praying for the miracle and preparing for the outcome to happen, regardless of what ultrasounds and doctors tell us, regardless of what fear might creep in, regardless of what others think. 

Thank you, God for the reassurance of your peace, and for the faith to believe in outcomes we cannot medically justify. 

What an honor!

Psalm 42:11 (NLT) Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my savior and my God! 

I wish I could be like my husband. I really do. Words can't describe the respect and love I have for this man, or how he's changed my life in the last 3 1/2 years.  He's literally the most thoughtful person I know, bar none. He always seems to know exactly what to do, say, or pray to fit the situation. There's nothing like missing him in the middle of the night, only to find him in the other room on his face before God praying for our family. There isn't a selfish bone in his body. When I pray for my kids, I pray that Jax and his brother or sister would be like him in these ways. No one in the world would have put us together, but I'm so glad God did. He knew who I would need... who our babies would need during this time. 

It's easy to say "Why me?" in times like this. I would be lying if I didn't have similar thoughts in the beginning. That's not to say that I didn't feel guilty about feeling like this. What makes me more entitled to a perfect pregnancy and babies than anyone else? What makes my need any more tragic or desperate than others? The answer is nothing... but I'm human, and even though I know this isn't the attitude to have, I questioned God.  I know I did, He knows I did... and now you know. The secret's out. 

I'm thankful for the supernatural measure of peace and reassurance I've found since those first days when I questioned God and spent most of my time crying, not knowing the words to say or the prayers to pray. This peace is in fact the first miracle in our journey.

One day out of the blue, Jerry and I were talking about the situation. Discussing doctor's reports, the people who had messaged saying they would pray, and the encouragement we were feeling.  I had never shared with him my questioning God, although I figure he knew. He said to me, "You know, it's easy for us to ask God why we have to go through this, but I think about it differently. I think what an honor it is for God to choose our babies to be a testimony for Him." I cried... and silently thanked God again for the blessing my husband is to me every single day.

Wow. What a thought. We don't HAVE to go through this. We GET to go through this. We experience God's provision, protection, and healing in a supernatural, personal way. God isn't making our babies go through this, but he chose them. He chose them to be the vessels of his testimony. He chose them to reach the literally thousands of people who are praying for them daily. He isn't making us go through this tragedy, but he has chosen us to be the parents of these two precious miracles. Two sweet babies whose mere existence is a complete miracle. We get to experience faith like few do. What an honor. What a blessing. What an incredible future our family has ahead of us. 

We are so incredibly thankful for many things, and we consider it an honor and a privilege to be chosen in this way. Thank you God for this opportunity. Thank you for the promises you've given, and thank you for the miracles you're already working.