He loves us...

“Listen carefully to my words.  Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart; for they bring life to those who find them and health to their whole body."  Proverbs 4:20-22

Meet our babies: 

This is Jax. Ever since we could see his profile, I knew he had his daddy's nose. Goodness, he looks just like Jerry. He has the same chin, and even has his wrinkled up brow. (Jerry's thinking face) Even though he's the younger twin, I'll always think of him as big brother. He just seems to protect that other baby....maybe a little too much because it's always squished a bit. We love him so much already. 

This is Miss Harper. She has chubby cheeks and a cute button nose. Even in my tummy, she's quite the world changer. She's showing off her arms in both pictures... arms they once told us weren't there. We love this little girl so much...and that sweet little smile already melts my heart.  Can't wait to meet her and her brother. 

I had been hesitant about doing the 4D ultrasound before. Deep down, I was afraid that seeing baby A would make it worse. I didn't know what to expect to see. The picture they've painted for us has always been so grim.  So when she gave us this gift, I was totally caught off guard.  These are the most beautiful, precious faces I've ever seen. My how we're blessed by these babies already. 

The good news from our visit is this: Jax is healthy and strong. Harper's fluid levels were up again from 2 to 2.4... more improvement! They both have strong heartbeats, and Harper moved around more than we have ever seen her move on an ultrasound.  We know for sure that she has both arms and one fully formed leg. We've never been able to confirm exactly what limbs they could see. Last time, they just said they could see limbs. 

The doctor came in and delivered the not so good news. He said that the bottom line is that we have a growing baby in very little fluid. She will have difficulty avoiding the umbilical cord and will pass away. He expects this to happen in the next few weeks. He indicated that at our next visit, we'll have to start making decisions. Do we "try" to deliver two living babies, or do we let the pregnancy progress and let Jax's healthy delivery be our goal. 

This has knocked the wind out of me. How do I choose that? How on Earth do I even begin to weigh those options? I can try to have two living babies, and have two that are hooked up to machines and tubes...one which might die. OR I can choose to sit back and do nothing for Harper, and just know that Jax will be healthy. These are choices that I can't imagine making... and no matter how much I think about it, I can't come up with a logical, sound choice. Either way, I feel like I'm sacrificing the life and health of one baby. It's absolutely impossible. 

So yesterday was rough. I cried a lot of the way home. I've cried a lot today. I can't stop looking at their faces.... and I can't imagine a life where they both don't grow up. We still firmly believe that God is still working on our Harper, but today is just one of those days where we struggle. I have faith in God's abilities to work miracles in our lives, but I'm a grieving mother today. I know that he understands this.  I feel utterly helpless. I can't pray enough or cry enough to feel like I'm making Harper change the way she needs to. Today, I have nothing profound to say about the situation. I'm just a sad mom. 

So I've spent a lot of time to day sitting, waiting and feeling them kick. It's my extra reassurance that they're both in there letting me know they're alive and well. 

I know today more than ever the depth of God's love for us. He loves us so much that he sent his son to die for us. I can't imagine that. I'm begging him to let my daughter live... to let me see her grow, to let me hear her laugh, and see her smile.... yet he did this willingly. I can't imagine that. He loves me so much that he let his son die. He loves my babies so much that he let his be beaten and bruised for their healing. He loves us all so much that he stood by and didn't intervene when his son felt helpless and hurt on the cross. He did that all for us. 

Because of that love, I know that God hasn't deserted us in our circumstances. I know that he still has his hand on my babies, and on  Jerry and I as we hurt. I know that he continues to give Harper fluid to swim in and is no less capable of continuing to give us miracles until their birthday. In my grief, I'm focusing on the continued miracle of fluid production, the fact that she was more active yesterday than ever before, and on the sweet faces that we got to see yesterday. I focus on Jax's health... this strong, healthy big brother whom we can't wait to meet. 

 Thank you God, for your unconditional love for us...for loving me when I was undeserving, for loving me when I'm excited and full of strength and faith, and for loving me on days like today when I'm just a sad mama.