Waiting is the hardest part...

But those who wait on the Lord 

Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Anyone who has ever been through fertility treatments understands the term 2 week wait. It might be the most painful part of the process. For me, it was worse than the shots, hormones, and even the surgery I went through to get pregnant. It's agonizing.... and for us, it was always a wait to disappointment.

After our IVF process, we had convinced ourselves that it was unsuccessful. Those days waiting for our pregnancy test were brutal. I remember sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot before my blood test, bawling because I didn't want to go in there. Somehow, I thought if I didn't go in I wouldn't have to face the reality of bad news again. I wanted so desperately to be pregnant, but I couldn't let myself think even for a second that I was. Late that night, I got the email from our fertility specialist that I was pregnant, but my levels were very very low... and that the next few days would be critical. More waiting.

To our surprise, my next test showed that my levels had increased 225% and I was absolutely pregnant. I couldn't believe it. The specialist said, "Well that was worth the wait, right?!" Absolutely. Our dreams were finally becoming a reality. 

I've been doing a lot of online shopping lately. (this happens when you're six months pregnant and it's 100 degrees outside) I get so excited about everything I've ordered for the babies, but I can't stand the wait for my prizes to get here. I'm currently waiting on a huge stuffed giraffe for the nursery. It should be here tomorrow, and it'll be all I can do not to haul the thing upstairs by myself to see how it fits. I keep tracking the package to make sure that amazon hasn't shipped it earlier than I thought.  I'm not the most patient person in the world. In fact, I'm probably the least patient person around. I'm always on the go... I'm an instant gratification kinda girl. Waiting is not my forte'. 

We truly believe that God isn't finished with this baby yet. Every fiber in our beings believes it, every breath we breath and prayer we pray speaks this truth. We pray specifically that God will protect Jax and grant him continuous health, and that God will make our sweet baby A whole and strong. The waiting is the hard part.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could "track" our prayers...know when they will be answered? What if we could ask God for things, and know by the time we said "amen" that our prayer would be answered at 3:00 pm on Thursday? How much easier would life be.... how much worry and stress would there be? How spoiled and even more demanding we would become if that were the case.  

I've always heard that during the wait, that's when we grow. I know this to be true now more than ever. It isn't easy... not even a little bit...but Jerry and I are growing through this wait.  We know that God will answer our prayers, we just don't know when or how it's going to happen. Nothing we do... can control how or when we see the end of this wait. If we could, we would've tried it by now. 

Is the waiting easy? No. Not at all. Do we have all of the answers? Not even a few answers. But we know we have to wait. 

This wait was especially difficult yesterday. We go for regular checkups with my OBGYN in between visits in Little Rock with the specialist. Yesterday was one of those checkups where we'll hear the heartbeats and just check in with our fantastic doctor. (More on that blessing later. Cannot say enough about him) The first thing he said was "How's your head? How's your heart?" He has such a great way of putting us at ease. Then he went over the official report from our visit in Little Rock, just to make sure we were all on the same page. 

The report said that although our baby had limbs, the legs didn't appear to be fully formed, and although the doctor in Little Rock had told us that he wasn't so sure about all of the missing organs we had heard at a previous appointment, there were definitely no kidneys. Not even a blip of a kidney. The levels (as we knew already) of fluid were critically low. The doctor re-stated to us that it would absolutely take a miracle for our baby to live. In his words, it would take a miracle for the vascular systems and kidneys to be in place when the child is born. As always, he presented the medicine to us, and then encouraged us to pray for our miracle. Major blow to our hearts. 

Then he went to listen for the heartbeats, and could only hear one for sure. So we went down the hall for an ultrasound to see for sure. I stopped in the restroom, and spent a few minutes telling myself in the mirror those four words I'm so familiar with: Do not be afraid.  From the beginning, they've tried to prepare us for the time when this might happen... when we would only have one heartbeat.. butI couldn't let myself prepare for the worst... I just couldn't. 

Thankfully, we saw both babies with beating hearts on the ultrasound. Such a relief. Jax looked healthy and our Baby A looked about the same, but we saw them. We saw their hearts beating, and that was enough for this mama. 

The point is, even "routine" visits, are never easy now. It's just another slap back into "reality" when we're told what medical expectations to have. No amount of faith can make it easier to hear that your baby will likely die. No amount of strength seems to be able to protect my mind from these dark moments of what if. It's on these visit days that I find myself struggling to find the balance between preparing for the what if's and begging God for the best. I spent the afternoon talking to God, asking him to make my faith stronger....to forgive my doubts, and asking him to provide all of the things our babies need to survive. I cried, I prayed, I sat and listened... 

A friend posted this sermon on Facebook. It's a long video, but exactly what my heart needed yesterday. Such an awesome reminder of how big God is, and how small we are. In it, he mentions the verse above, and talks about the renewal of our strength. That's what I need on days like yesterday... renewal of my strength. It's a continuous process, this renewal. There will be many times when I don't think I can make it, but he will renew me... he will strengthen me. He will sustain me. 

This is the first time we saw our babies.... on a picture taken through a high powered microscope. The container in the picture is one of my most prized possessions. It's the dish that they were created in. It fits in the palm of my hand.... and the center of it is about the size of a nickel. Every time I see an ultrasound or hear heartbeats, I'm in awe that the blastocysts in this picture became the precious babies on the screen. God knew them when they were so tiny that they had to be seen on a microscope.... he knew them when our levels were so low that we had to be cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy test... he saw them when we almost lost them at 5 weeks.... and he sees them now. In spite of what medicine says, he knows exactly what these babies need now. He knows what sweet Jax needs to continue to grow and be strong. He sees the gaps in Baby A's body and knows how to fill them to perfection. 

In my prayer time, I've started holding that dish in my hand as a reminder to me of how great God is. How he loves us before we're even a number on a pregnancy test. How he's still watching over our babies and and renewing our strength continuously throughout this journey. How even while we wait, he is still working on our behalf. 

It will not be easy, but we will continue to wait, and anticipate great things for these sweet little miracles.